xangst

what provokes someone to go over the edge?  i guess we all have it in us to go this way –but most of us never push that button.  but some do and do so with major repercussions.  oftentimes it stems from depression.  we get depressed –but not for a day –for many days, for weeks, for months –and this drives us over the edge.  it could drive us to take our own life or someone else’s.  it is so bizarre to see someone go this way –to see this bizarre behavior –to see that this is not a person that we all knew –to see that they act very strangely in their final acts –to see them act so methodically in deciding that they wish to die –either due to loneliness or to physical pain or to stress from work or to pressure from family or to financial strain.  we all go through life following a routine that keeps us on the path –that keeps us from going over the edge.  then 1 day, change occurs –like it has in the past –but this time you cannot adapt as you have done before –this time you fall off the path and cannot get back on–this time your mind is altered and then you move from “he was always very calm and nice” to “why did he do that, why did he take his own life” –very bizarre –but seen over and over in life.  we need routine, we need habits, we need stability to keep from going over the edge.  because when you do go over the edge and take your life –it is the people who are left that feel the most pain.  but you don’t care like you used to –you don’t care what people say or how they find you –you don’t care anymore.  you might think you are helping those left behind, but you are not.  you have just gone off this path that you try to keep on from the beginning –you can’t get back on–you can’t get those happy innocent days of the past –you see fewer answers –eventually leading to a bizarre choice and a bizarre ending.  but why? ( not the clinical or psychological answer) –just why?

i am on an island. technically, we are all on our own little islands –in our minds of course.  we essentially live alone with our thoughts. we speak within our own minds–literally to ourselves.  you ask yourself “should i buy this shirt or that shirt” –then you give yourself an answer.  you say to yourself “should i call that person a name” –“no, better not” –once again –having a conversation with yourself.  this obviously happens over and over every minute of every day of your life –thus you live with yourself on your own island.  it will only be you by yourself when you live that last moment of life –telling yourself goodbye.  we drift around bumping into other islands and living with those islands (people) –but when you are lying in bed next to the other island and you say goodnight, you then go back to your island to sleep.  it is strange to think about life this way–i know–but if you think about it –it is quite true.  ask yourself.

can you say those words to yourself about what other people think about you?  probably not, right?  why do we give a damn so much about what others think about us?  why do we have to feel accepted in a group or in society as a whole?  why do we have to present a BS image to the world because we care about what others think about us?  we all must make the “not-caring” transition to evolve in our lives because at the end of the road, at the end of the line, at the end of your life –what will really matter?  yes, it will matter how you are perceived after death –“was he a good person”  yes, no, maybe –but this answer can be anything depending on who is being asked –and then do you really care what so and so thought about you –i mean you are dead!  you should really only care about what your family thinks about you, right?  or am i not right in this thinking?  for those who do not even think these things –you are the lucky ones–you have evolved, you have less insecurities –you don’t care!  congrats, you made it!  but for the rest of us –we are insecure, we do give a shit for some reason or another –we yearn to live more peacefully in our own minds –we want to break from the endless and ongoing chains of peer pressure –cemented so many years ago by our first insecurities.  how do we help our children from falling into this trap, from creating the first link on a relentless chain.  first remedy for us –just say you don’t care when a thought comes up.  first remedy for our kids –tell them not to care so much about what others think–to only care what your family thinks about you.  this connection between the individual psyche and society as a whole is at the foundation of civilization –we can’t help it –we can only look away from it as much as humanly possible.  so look away and say “i don’t care”

i know these realizations come to all who grow older and allow themselves to acknowledge them –but it is fun to actually go through the process of coming upon these realizations after events trigger the “aha” moment.  in this case, i suddenly realized that from the beginning of life, we have a set way of acting and going about life –and that this way of acting in society always remains essentially the same until the end.  one example is the groups we move in throughout life–we always seem to move in the same types of groups time after time.  in the early days, if you moved from school to school, you would find yourself being part of the same type of group from one school to the next–it just seems to happen that way.  this also seems to happen as you get older and move from community to community –you again seem to gravitate to the same type of people as you have always been associated with.  not sure if that is a good thing or not–always being among the same types of folks through your life.  sure–you mingle with different types that are not part of your defined core demographic –but in the end, you look next to you and essentially see yourself looking back.  which i suppose is normal –you want to hang out with like-minded folks.  but–are you and your group a good group to be with?  that question is irrelevant because we seem to remain the same and never really change.  agree?

this is not about the short view –this is about the long view.  you have to learn to take the long view when looking at your life in the present moment and when making decisions in the here and now.  if you do not see the long view when you make a judgement now, then your view of the present world and your place in it will be off base.  when you say something, you obviously don’t want to over-analyze it, but of course this will happen naturally –so try to keep the analysis to a minimum.  you have to think about life as a series of steps and building blocks –whether it be you building the blocks for yourself or if you are building the blocks for your kids –you need to think in the long view when taking these steps.  you cannot get frustrated when looking at life in the short view–though you will inevitably go down this path of frustration when looking at the short view too much–which is, in essence, moving through the moments of each day.  each moment can bring on some sort of anxiety because you see an issue and you first see this issue in the short view –how will this moment of anxiety affect me now, today, tonight, tomorrow –all in the short view.  obviously we cannot control this reaction because we have to live each day through these moments of anxiety.  but after we react to the moment in the short view–it is wise to then take that moment and reflect it against the long view–this will help put the continuous moments of anxiety in perspective–thus making these moments less important in the grand scheme of things.  most of us can do this naturally, but most of also get lost in short view moments of anxiety –it is a dilemma that is part of human nature.  think long view more often to help remedy this human flaw.

we start off stupid and each day we evolve from this first moment of ground-floor stupidity.  this is called the evolution of stupidity.  we are stupid at 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, etc –but we do become less stupid in each year that we put behind us.  this of course is called gaining wisdom and maturity.  this allows us to stop and think before we blurt out answers or comments.  this allows us to look smarter as we grow older.  this is why older folks appear to answer in a more methodical manner.  they are thinking over the answer or the comment very carefully before letting the words come out of their mouth.  now sometimes they have answers canned and ready to go because they have already done the work of thinking about what is the correct thing to say –so in this case they appear to be quicker in their response –thus they appear, smart, fast and wise –all at the same time.  now that is the position you want to find yourself in –where you have enough experience to have all your answers or comments ready to go –already screened for stupidity –already evolved much further down the path of evolving stupidity.  try to think before you speak –though it is very hard for mental midgets before 50, 60, 70–which is it?  for some, they never evolve –and that is a shame.

we think of things and we want to make change.  we say we will change and we start off the next day in the change mode.  we don’t want to go back to a negative tone, we want to stay in the positive tone.  but, events kick in, the daily routine kicks in –life challenges your new tone and then you suddenly revert back to the old tone or the tone you usually follow.  but if the current tone is not working to create a positive flow in your life –you must change it or future results will not be good.  you can make change if you stop to think and not react as you always do.  set the positive tone in your house and with your family –the way you act now with the kids will set their tone for life –so be careful in the tone you set in the house.  these kids are soaking it all in and if you are constantly rushing around and always barking orders, it will be detrimental to the tone set in the house and the tone your kids set in their houses, etc.  you have a powerful position of influence that can affect generations –so set the positive tone in the house and do not let outside events alter the positive tone.  maintain a consistent tone –it will make all the difference.