xangst

when we start off young in high school, college and soon after –we have no walls.  we have a mind of freedom.  we don’t see rules and boundaries.  we only see what is right in front of us and we go for it.  we don’t think it through.  we don’t wonder if this is the right thing to do.  we just do it.  that is the beauty of youth –no walls are up.  you meet friends quickly and you just go with it.  if a friend drops off –oh well –you are moving too fast to notice most of the time.  and the ones that stick with you, they become your lifelong friends.  it is a simple, easy process –that we don’t even have to think about –it just happens. you do have to work at it here and there-but a little loyalty goes a long way. 20 years later, you look at the friends you have and see who your best friends are –there are no questions.  you can go months without seeing them and when you do –no biggie –falls right back to the place of youth.   now–when you move to new places away from your old friends, you have to make new friends.  this can be a bit harder than the old days because now you have built up some walls of protection around you — and you do question things more often and you do follow rules a bit more.  this can make it even longer to become better friends with someone.  you analyze shit more –never a good thing to do –but the walls in your mind push you to question and analyze every move.  it is like riding a bike–you know how to make friends–but now you look to see what is around the corner –and this makes you pause, rather than a natural flow to the process.  so –what do you do?  you take it easy and do not stress over these trivial things.  even though walls are there and things take longer –the natural flow will still occur.  stop thinking and keep living.

be grateful for what you have.  stop wishing for what they have.  look at what you have and see that what you have is great.  you are lucky.  yes, you have had some bad luck.  yes, the path has not been all roses.  yes, you did not strike it rich.  yes, you are not the most popular person to everyone.   yes, you have insecurities that drive you crazy.  yes, you are not perfect.  yes, you worry about what others think about you.  yes, you want to please everyone.  yes, you hate getting old and you hate seeing your kids getting old.  but guess what?  you have it pretty good.  you are alive,  you are still young enough where health issues are not a problem.  you might be lucky enough to have a family.  if you are, then this is the main reason to stop bitching and start thanking.  be happy for the little things that you have and for the fleeting moments that you have with your family.  cherish the nights with them, cherish the days with them.  you have friends too –be happy for that.  stop looking at the material world and saying “i want that”.  you have everything you need already –be happy with that.  tell your mind to stop.  yes, you want more success and yes, you want more money –but it will all come if you are patient.  stop thinking about how you want things to be and be happy with how things are.  you can’t please everyone –so let them deal with that fact.   just be happy –if you can.

we all have it –you must have it.  the daily routine of life is like a well-worn path that we follow every day.  it keeps us sane, it keeps us out of trouble, it keeps us alive.  we do it without thinking –we embrace each part of it.  it is not a complete line every day –but small bits and pieces that we go to for comfort and sanity.  it might be strongest in the morning –where you just follow along half asleep –or it might peak in the evening –pushing you towards sleep time.  events of the day take us off the routine –and that is wanted and embraced as well -we don’t want to get bored to death.  we do always get pulled back to parts of a routine –wake-up, shower, kids off, breakfast, coffee, emails –work -work -work -work –then go home, dinner, kids in bed, tv, read, sleep.  we need these bits of routine after a long vacation too.  you love vacation and getting out of routine –but then you long for that old routine –you don’t want to vacation all the time –you would get thrown off your course, you would fall out of moderation and into excess.  you need routine, you need moderation to reach your goals, to get to the end of the road in one piece, to live longer, to help your kids.  you need it, don’t deny it, embrace it!

i am beginning to believe that this is all part of human nature.  we don’t want to be mean –it just happens.  and most of the time it happens in our own mind –so the rest of the world doesn’t even hear us being mean or they rarely know that we are being mean.  you see someone or hear someone saying something–and your mind quickly goes into action –and sometimes the thoughts that come into your mind are mean and critical thoughts about that person –it might even be “that was a stupid thing to do –what a dope”.  but most of the time you don’t say it aloud.  so the reality is we are all mean to other people at some point or another –and this is due to human nature and to your experiences in life.  it could be as simple as bad manners.  you were brought up with the best manners, for example, and you see someone chewing with their mouth open –and you immediately go to mean thoughts in your mind –but you do not say anything.  this is the most common example of being mean –you say these mean thoughts in your mind and the only thing you need to worry about is your self-guilt for saying these things.  you tell yourself–”don’t think those mean things about people –be a better person”.  the 2nd phase is the hard one –where you think mean thoughts and then you say them aloud –immediately altering the image of yourself in the eyes of others.  they start to think –”that is a mean person” –and thus your reputation as a mean person grows and you soon find yourself alone or hanging out with other mean people.  this is the hardest thing to master –almost to the point of changing your personality a bit.  if you are a hyper person like i am, then your mind races faster than your mouth and sometimes things slip out –because you want to make your comment right away –you often skip the part of making sure the comment is a good one to say aloud.  i do this all the time–at least once a week–where i say a stupid comment and think to myself –oh, shit! –did i just say a mean comment aloud.  but i have made some progress –i do find myself going through the comments in my mind and then skipping over them and not saying them aloud –knowing that they would hurt someone.  but i am not out of the woods yet –it must come with older age –where patience sets in and you begin to understand that it is better to listen most of the time rather than speak all the time.  each close call i have makes me think more about this process.  i need to slow down a bit and have fewer missteps -i need to practice more.

this is a bitch of a topic!  i mean– my first and only approach in this area is to always put family first in everything you do.  which you should always do.  plus, you should always never judge family and always take the high road when it comes to family. at the end of the day –all you will have left is family –whether that is good or bad–it is the simple fact. you do not want to cause conflict with your family and you need to bite your tongue with your family –after all this is your family.  the same family that you grew up with or the same family that you raised.  there was a time in the beginning where you looked on to your family members with eyes of adoration.  you looked at your baby or you looked at your mother with complete eyes of loyalty and devotion.  you looked at your brother or you looked at your sister with love and affection.  you used to laugh with your family, you used have fun with your family –back in the times of innocence and fresh starts.  you never thought those days would end, you never thought conflict would arise, you never thought people would change.  but things do change and phases of life come and go –and conflict can occur in family.  this is when this concept will be tested –this concept of “family first”.  do you take the high road if you have been wronged by family?  do you never judge your family when judgement is called into question?  do you forgive every time?  we will all be challenged by family member actions.  what do you do?  you want your sister to call you after a fight because you think it was her fault.  this leads to a rift developing –one that might never be healed.  but, don’t play this BS game–call her up –take the high road each time and stop the rift.  make family first because it is the right thing to do –it will make you a better person in the long run.  the long-time love bond of family is always there –but sometimes you forget.  put family first unless a crime has been committed.  in that case, this concept goes out the window.  they then become strangers and are no longer family.

i know it is hard, but we need to try and control people less.  when you try to control the actions of another person so that they fit the mold in your mind –only trouble can come from it.  if it is in your nature to control things –you need to break away from this natural inclination when it comes to people you love.  do not try to control them –let them figure things out for themselves because they do know what is the right thing to do –without you trying to tell them all the time or control them all the time.  you love them for many things that do not need control –and then you try to control a few things that you want changed, etc.  stop doing this.  i know it is hard to break these habits that have formed in your mind. you see an ideal in your mind and you want to live by that ideal and you want others to live by your ideal as well.  though it might be a good ideal –you might turn it into a negative ideal when you try to control folks.  ease back a bit and let things happen naturally.  if they love you, then they will try to please you by trying to live up to your ideal –just like you will try to live up to their ideals.  this is the way you create balance in a relationship. try to live up to each other’s ideals, but do not push and try to control things to reach these ideals.  a balance can be achieved if the understanding that each will try without control.  get it?  everything is a work in progress –so start slow.  that’s what I do.